i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it
Humanity’s first contact with Vulcans was some guy going “I’m down to fuck.”
Vulcans’ first contact with Humans was an emphatic “Sure.”
“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”
*prolonged silence* “oh my…”
“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”
*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”
Elsewhere, w/ kuvak: “….my day has come.”
The vulcan who made first contact with humans is named Solkar guys. Y’all just be makin’ up names for characters that already have names.
Bonus: here’s a screencap of Solkar doing the “my body is ready” pose right before he shakes Zefram Cochrane’s hand:
I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.
Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.
The slow deliberation with which Solkar takes Cockrane’s–I’m sorry, Cochrane’s–hand… The sheer sensuality witch which Solkar infuses an otherwise borderline impersonal social ritual… It clearly shows a very conscious knowledge, on Solkar’s part, of what the significance of the handshake is in Vulcan terms and of how affected he is by it.
That’s why he’s so slow in doing it, and so sensual. A part of Solkar can’t believe this is happening, despite it being a perfectly logical thing to expect from a human, and the rest of him can’t believe how good it is.
I bet that if the camera zoomed in any further we would see the dilation of Solkar’s pupils and a quickly-repressed shiver of delight. Cochrane’s firm, businesslike clasp is probably (in sexual terms) being perceived as a deliciously carnal display of dominance.
No wonder Solkar is all like, “TAKE ME, YOU WILD-MANNERED BARBARIAN WITH ENTICINGLY ROUGH CALLUSES.”
And so we find out that yes, there is such a thing as bottoming in Pon-farr.
Every time this post comes round my dash, it just gets better.
I can’t explain how much I want a 21st century Star Trek au where Kirk still lives in Iowa and it’s like “holy shit aliens just literally landed in my cornfield I can’t believe my life became a bad episode of x-files”
ok but. hear me out like…
kirk as just this genius 21yr old in Iowa building hi-tech shit in his basement; like radios and shit that manage to pick up sub-space frequencies that he helps code w/ the help of Uhura
kirk thinking it’d be a funny prank to make some crop circles in his family’s cornfield
kirk making intricate crop circles that read as some rudimentary script of Vulcan
spock responding to the images that seem to be an SOS from his father; beams down to earth only to find out some humans managed to accidentally learn the vulcan language
“oh so you’re an alien” “indeed” “And…you’re looking for your dad.” “affirmative” “well, you know what this means?” “….” “…roadtrip.”
spock learns the meaning of friendship as he roadtrips across america with a pack of humans that kirk picks up along the way in search of his father: mccoy, the doctor they met in georgia that let them sleep in his basement; scotty the auto repair guy they meet in some backwater town; sulu in new york that is much better at driving than kirk is; nobody really knows how chekov ended up with them, but it’s probably illegal
these are the voyages of the 1970 Volkswagen bus Enterprise
“I was one of the first black women in the country, more years ago than I care to remember, who wore an afro ‘outside,’ in public. This was way before Star Trek. I wore one of the biggest afros in New York, but I wore it with Dior and Chanel suits. One of the other persons who was the first to wear an afro, but she cut it very short, was Cicely Tyson. But when it came time to do the Star Trek movie, I had to fight for that afro. It was nothing against the afro, but the feeling was that the afro had become so very popular that it looked too contemporary. I said, ‘However, the afro is not modern, the afro has been around for at least not less than 5,000 years and probably at least 10,000. I’m not sure how long we’ve been on the planet, but as long as there have been black people the afro has been around.’ Then they said, ‘Well, it can’t be the big bubble, so let’s try to get a more “Uhura’ style.” I said, ‘What are you going to do, deny her race and make her hair straight again? If we’re going to have to live through that again…’ They assured me that what they had in mind was more of a balance, and we agreed. We said, ‘OK, women in the future will do all kinds of things, as they have in the past. For 5,000 years and more they’ve straightened their hair and curled it and rolled it and twisted it and braided it and twirled it and shaved it off and done everything under the sun. And so, in the future, it’s very conceivable that, just as we do today, black people will do these twirly-curl kind of things, and point their bangs, and this would be peculiar to Uhura: the pointed bangs and long sideburns.’ […] To tell the truth, I really wanted cornrow braids. And don’t you dare call them ‘Bo Derek braids!’ That’s something that we’ve been doing for thousands of years before she was born!”
I love this so, so much. It really speaks to issues that black women in Hollywood and everyday life are still facing today around the shaming of natural hair that comes with the assumption that the beauty standard to appeal to is that of white women’s hair. And it touches on cultural appropriation of black hairstyles like cornrows by white people! Nichelle Nichols is so the most amazing.
“You are hereby accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy. It is truly remarkable Spock that you have achieved so much despite your disadvantage. All rise.” “If you would clarify, minister? To what disadvantage are you referring?” “Your human mother.”
“Council, ministers, I must decline.” “No Vulcan has ever declined admission to this Academy.”
“But as I am half-human, your record remains untarnished.”
Star Trek can make as many new series and movies as they like, and still nothing will ever truly beat the golden awkwardness of this one shining minute of dialogue.
I love it when people ask shit like “Which world would you rather live in? Star Trek or Star Wars?” When like, Star Trek takes place in a world where mankind has erradicated diseases and war and explore space to make contact with new civilizations, and in Star Wars everything is old and dusty and every 20 years a new angry white man murders half the galaxy.
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