I invite my closest friends and family to a gender reveal party, but when I open the box with maniacal flourish instead of pink or blue balloons, a television screen is revealed.
I dim the lights remotely as we hear Cate Blanchett say, “The world is changed. I feel it in the water.”
Too late, they realise.
The pregnancy? A scam.
The Lord of the Rings editions? Extended.
The doors? Locked.
Is popcorn and pepsi provided?
Bold of you to assume that I would count anyone with a preference for Pepsi amongst my closest friends and family
So I get really narky when people pull the whole ‘oh Eowyn’s
storyline came to such a sucky ending; she was really cool going around killing
orcs and Witch-Kings and then she got shoved into a traditional girly role by marrying
Faramir and becoming a healer’ thing, because no. No-no-no-no-no. Not only does that
stray dangerously into the territory of ‘women only have worth if they’re doing
traditionally blokey things’, but that misses almost the entire point of Lord of the Rings.
Tolkien was in the trenches in the first world war, right?
He got all that ‘for death and glory’ shit shoved down his throat, that was the
whole point about the war, it was when so many people came to see how awful and
misleading all the propaganda about winning glory through violence and death was. And Tolkien’s work completely shows
that: it’s why the hobbits, who’ve never craved power or battle the way men do,
are the heroes of the book; it’s
why strong men like Aragorn and Faramir are shown to be lovers of peace rather
than war. It’s why the quote – but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for
its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory; I love only that which they
defend – is so poignant and beautiful, when
seen in the context of all Tolkien had gone through. He’d seen all but one of
his closest friends die in an utterly pointless war; the prevalent message in
his books is ‘if you’re going to have that many people die, let it be for
something worth dying for.’ (Like
defending your home from the lord of all darkness, for example.)
And Eowyn
might be a fantastic female character, but she’s also got so much development
to go through, and she’s by no means perfect. I find it really interesting that when Eowyn talks to Aragorn
about wanting to go off and fight she never really actually mentions protecting
her people, but speaks about wanting to ‘face peril and battle’, and to
do ‘great deeds’. And it’s not that Eowyn doesn’t want to protect her people, because of course she does, but she’s also got such a
driving motivation within her to do glorious and fell deeds simply for the sake
of valour and renown. It’s one of her defining features, having an attitude
that got so many young men killed in the war and which, obviously, Tolkien
would have been very wary of.
(Also, I think, there’s so much in Eowyn that wants to prove
herself to be more than ‘a mere woman’; because twice in that conversation she
asserts that she’s no mere ‘dry-nurse’ or ‘serving-woman’, but a member of the
house of Eorl and therefore capable of greater things. There’s almost this
slight sense of Eowyn considering herself more than ‘just’ a domesticated woman that I
sometimes get from her in the books? Which is very sad – the idea of Eowyn having less regard for others of her sex who do mind the house or raise the children – and why I so love that ‘I am no man’ moment in RotK. Eowyn’s no longer hiding herself, or dismissing fellow women as the weaker sex,
but acknowledging and embracing the fact that women in all their forms can fuck you up.)
And then we reach
the Houses of Healing, and Eowyn yearning for death in battle just like her
Uncle Theoden, and basically buying into that whole world war one ethos that
Tolkien would have considered so poisonous. Which is why her friendship and
courtship with Faramir is so fricking beautiful.
Remember that quote I wrote earlier? That’s from Faramir. He’s not backing down
from conflict, he’s in no way less of a ‘real man’ than anyone else; he’s just
saying there needs to be more to the fight than simply having a fight. There needs to be a reason; something worth
fighting for. Eowyn recognises that Faramir is a good man in every sense of the
word: he’s strong and valiant, but he doesn’t fight simply to prove himself or
for the sake of winning glory, he fights for other people. And Faramir gently challenges Eowyn on her
idolisation of battle-glory and encourages her not to scorn gentleness or
peace, and he’s so freaking good for her.
(Seriously. Can we just stop for a moment and think about how
wonderful Eowyn and Faramir are for each other: Faramir encouraging Eowyn to
turn towards life and healing and openness while never denying her strength or courage, and Eowyn giving Faramir the
validation and security he never got after so many years of an awful
relationship with his father? I honestly don’t know why I don’t get all giddy
about these two more often, because they make the very best otp.)
And the result of the departure of the Shadow and her
friendship with Faramir is Eowyn’s decision that ‘I will be a shieldmaiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I
will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren.’
I think that last bit is so important because I’m certain
that Tolkien doesn’t mean for Eowyn to immediately pack up her sword and shield
and become a good girl sitting at home with her knitting and waiting for the
men to return home after the fight – after all, she’s going to be the wife of
the Steward of Gondor and there’s a lot of mess to clean up after the War of
the Ring. Eowyn’s probably still going to find herself defending hearth and
home from time to time. But the important thing is that she’s no longer
defining herself simply by the doing of valiant deeds; she’ll no longer compare
herself to the great warriors of her house and feel lacking simply because she
hasn’t killed as many men. Most importantly, she’s not going to take joy only in the songs of the slaying, in
destruction and death. Tolkien was all about healers symbolising life and
rebirth, and Eowyn’s decision to become one – to aid in the preservation of
life rather than the taking of it – is so beautiful. I don’t think Tolkien ever
wrote Eowyn’s ending to make her reclaim her ‘lost femininity’; I think it’s a
lovely way of adding to the ever-present theme in Lord of the Rings of hope and
frailty and healing and friendship over glory and battle and strife.
Hey, biology nerds! I know you’re out there, lurking, knowing facts.
If you were watching an underground/mountain-dwelling humanoid species evolve, like say, fantasy dwarves, what biological traits would you expect them to develop that are unlike those of humans?
For that matter, what might tall, desert-dwelling elves look like? Or small, hill- and forest-dwelling hobbits? I’m trying to get to something a little more interesting than “tall human”, “beard human”, and “short human”.
Dwarves:
Tapetum Lucidum
Third eyelids, if they do a lot of digging. Related, ears and nostrils that can seal – keep that loose dirt out of the mucous membranes!
Beards? Try vibrissae, or electro-sensitive or motion-sensitive hairs
Low body temperature and poor thermoregulation when above ground – use it or loose it re: high metabolic costs, and your underground environment doesn’t swing wildly
Related: increased photosensitivity
A mechanism for torpor or severe reduction in metabolic activity. This is a common adaptation in cave-dwelling and fossorial mammals, probably related to the thermoregulation thing above, and also the low oxygen concentrations and irregular food sources than can be available underground. tl;dr dwarves can hibernate
Something Weird and Off about upper arms and shoulder joints and musculature – digging requires a bunch of morphological specialization of the upper arms to be remotely energy-efficient
The ability to do that terrifying mountain-goat thing where they can scale and balance on 90 sheer vertical cliff faces
Elves:
If it’s a hot desert, dial the elf-ears up to fennec proportions for excess heat venting. Sweating is an inefficient use of water. Panting is better for evaporative cooling.
Very long, very dark, very thick eyelashes
You can actually re-use the third-lid and sealable nostrils and ears mentioned for dwarves. Keeping out sand is important!
Tolkien-hobbit-equse feet: large, flat, with unusually thick soles, if they’re walking on hot, shifting sand.
Some animals will ‘cry’ excess salt through specialized glands near the eyes, to either fix salt balance (seagulls) or to avoid wasting water in urination (roadrunners). Your main goal re: desert adaptation is water conservation, which means figuring out how to avoid peeing whenever possible in many cases. Mammals usually will concentrate uric acid into a pellet or paste, but the idea of elves with bright-white, reflective salt-lines down their faces is Aesthetic™ as hell.
I’m gonna lean on bug biology here cuz why not.
Underground dwarves:
-specialization to oxygen levels at different depths (can’t move easily between them?)
-daily and seasonal thermoregulation via moving higher and lower in the ground (or even into sun-catching, above ground mounds or mountainsides)
-vibrational hearing/communication through substrate? vibrational prey-seeking
-farming of fungus/aphids/ etc on plant root structures
Desert-elves:
-strongly nocturnal or crepuscular (dusk and dawn) activity cycles
-sensitivity to UV light— can feel/see it with their skin. helps them stick to shadows.
-seal the fuck out of any avenue for water loss
-burrowing
-postural thermoregulation by holding body far away from heat reflecting ground in day, close to heat-retaining ground at night
-some beetles stick their butts up in the air and absorb water vapor that way, that’s pretty fun
-estivation (summer hibernation)
Forest Hobbits
-Thicker pelts (fur or skin) to deal with undergrowth
-Food gathering and underground food storage
-Hibernation in cold winters, extra fat gain during warm season
-Climbing/arboreal
Thank you! Fascinating hobbit thoughts. Also elves just…slouch at night.
A great (if comical and sometimes kinda disturbing) example of dwarves that have evolved to be suited to underground life can be found in the Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer.
me, looking at the current state of the world, crying:I wish none of this had happened…
Gandalf, materialising in my conscience, smiling kindly: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, besides the will of evil.
Update: Legolas’ pupils are about 3.5 cm wide each. Now drawing kawaii Legolas on physics assignment.
And they told you science was no fun.
Science!
I’m going to do it. I’m going to hand it in.
Legolas’s pupil size isn’t the problem here, though. 5 leagues is 17.262 miles. The curvature of the Earth means that for a person of average height, the visual horizon is less than three miles away. Even if your vision is telescopic and the atmosphere is perfectly clear, you can’t see around the planet. If they were standing on a hill, it would have to be at LEAST 198 feet above sea level in order to see the horizon at 17.2 miles away, with nothing tall in between. Which, knowing Rohan, isn’t impossible.
But consider: Elven satellite eyeballs.
you mean like
@sidereanuncia it’s back, the post that I can only imagine haunts your nightmares
I shall never find peace.
Also, for what it’s worth, there’s absolutely no reason to believe that the curvature of Middle Earth is the same as that of Earth.
There’s no evidence that Middle Earth curves.
Yeah there is. The Silmarillion states that the world was curved after the fall of Numenor (I believe), preventing access to Valinor. But Elves (among others) can travel the straight path across it.
So middle earth is round, but not for Elves because magic.
So wait, the reason he can see that far is because Elves just have the ability to ignore the curve of the earth? That’s awesome. It also means that no matter how good your optics got, you would always want elf eyes manning the spyglass because they can see arbitrarily far while everybody else is limited by this ‘horizon’ bullshit.
Oh thank God, my poor elf prince has seen too much in this post
Elves are flat-earthers
This post went from amusing to horrifying, to be brought back down to amusing, sprinkled in with some cannon explanation, and then you leave me here in fucking outrage
also consider: LOTR but hobbits have Tapeta Lucidum
Boromir gets the fright of his life their first night on the road
Boromir: *glances over his shoulder* ??!!!!???!!
Hobbits:
Hobbits: what
i will never get over that you used an image of raccoons for this purpose because it is incredibly accurate
LOTR au but instead of hobbits literally raccoons
Gandalf: well this raccoon found the ring and has been carrying it around. unfortunately we can’t take it off him or he gets very bite-y. so I figure, the raccoon is the ringbearer now
Elrond: what are those other three raccoons doing here
Gandalf: he brought his buddies. I call this one ‘Merry’
Aragorn: *watching Frodo & Sam scamper off in the direction of Mordor* our hopes lie with those raccoons now
Legolas: do they… know where they are going
Aragorn: I sure hope so
Faramir: father why is this raccoon in the livery of the citadel
Denethor: haha doesn’t he look precious
Elfhelm: Dernhelm, is that a raccoon in your bag?
Dernhelm: *sweating nervously* Uh no, sir.
Eowyn, later: And I said no, you know, like a liar.
Denethor: WHY did you let a raccoon go off with the Ring??
Faramir: ….it just seemed like the right thing to do
Gandalf: he scratched you up real good huh
Faramir: ……………gouged my FUCKING arm and bit me on my face
Witch King: no living man can kill me – AUGH FUCK, RACCOON, RACCOON ON MY LEG ARGHHHH
Eowyn: *stab*
Wraiths break into the room at the prancing pony: *UnHoLy ScReEcHiNg*
Trash Panda Hobbits:
Wraiths: Oh, what the fuck, whAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
Treebeard: Baroom, humm, where are my small, impatient friends?
Merry and Pippin:
Don’t go where I can’t follow, Mr. Frodo.
~~~~~~The Hobbit interlude~~~~~~
Thorin:
You’re the burgular.Go on and…burgle something! Bilbo:
Saruman: Well since some fucking TREES took over Isengard I guess I’ll take over The Shire. Farmer Maggot and ever other Halfling down to the Sacksville-Bagginses:
Apparently Tolkien actually did have to specify that Hobbits look humanoid: “I picture a fairly human figure, not a kind of ‘fairy’ rabbit as some of my British reviewers seem to fancy…”