I just finished reading “Cosette” The Sequel to Les Miserables” by Laura Kalpakian. For those who do not know, this book is basically a 650-page (kinda shitty) fanfic that somehow was published as a real, purchasable book sometime in the 1990′s. Here are some of my favorite moments:
A quote from Javert: “Republican scum like you can’t
overthrow the king of France. One day more and you’ll piss blood. I’ll meet you
in hell.”
A quote from Valjean: “She is seventeen, too young to
be in love. She is a child. This Marius, he is nothing to her. She wanted a
puppy once and I said no and she got over it.”
Enjolras scrambles to the top of the barricade and just….screams SHIT!
For some reason in the whole barricade part in the beginning
Combeferre is the ami that gets the most attention
The only amis that are mentioned are: Combeferre, Enjolras,
Feuilly, and Courfeyrac. The only ami that gets mentioned beyond the 1832
barricade section is Feuilly because of the whole “vivent les
peuples!” thing written on the wall of the Musain. Which, btw, the author
always writes as “vive les peuples!”
Actually the author made up some OCs in the barricade
section so there could be some barricade survivors for Marius and Cosette to
interact with later in the book
“You will hang by your cock in hell.”
For some reason whenever Jean Valjean is mentioned in the
first portion of the book, he is described as having large, powerful hands
Cosette had no sex education and so on her wedding night she
asked Marius to teach her. And he just gestures to her boobs and says “this is a nipple.” It is the only thing he vocally says to her and
then he is kissing her boobs and they go at it. I kid you not this is the big
amazing wedding sex scene and the most notable line is “this is a
nipple”
Remember the whole absolutely no sex education thing? Well
they somehow have amazing sex all night long regardless
Azelma is the main antagonist in the book. Also she is
ALWAYS referred to as Zelma. I don’t know where the A went. It’s gone forever I
guess.
A quote from Thenardier: “I am one of those holy men. I
can walk in shit, sit in shit, sleep in shit, eat shit, drink shit, and still
my turds come out in perfect golden bricks.”
Marius regularly goes to prison like it’s a casual thing
that happens often which is an inconvenience but you know what are ya gonna do
Marius and Cosette raise the biggest asshole of a son there
is literally nothing redeeming about him
Azelma ‘Zelma’ Thenardier literally fucked Louis-Napoleon and had a
child with him.
She named the child Eponine.
Azelma feels like she needs to take revenge against Cosette
for the whole Marius thing and she basically uses her daughter Eponine II to
fulfill that, as if ensuring Eponine II is successful will make ghost Eponine
happy
Speaking of Eponine II there is an entire subplot where
Azelma manages to force the son of Cosette and Marius to marry Eponine
II……because she felt that her sister Eponine should have married
Marius……..so like, by marrying her daughter Eponine to a Pontmercy she’s
fulfilling some kind of lost destiny shit. And also taking revenge against
Cosette. Azelma is really freaky in this okay
Cosette disguises herself as an old beggar due to a mixture
of political and economic reasons and calls herself “the plumed lark”
when she is in her disguise. Weirdest superhero ever amiright
Marius sneaks out of prison dressed up as the plumed lark
THERE IS A SEX SCENE THAT TAKES PLACE WITH ONE PERSON HIDDEN
UNDERNEATH A HOOP SKIRT
i am not fucking with you. “this is a nipple” is probably the most iconic part of the book
tbh one of the more subtly chaotic fandoms was les mis, because modern aus became so common they stopped being labelled all the time because it was just Assumed it’d be a modern au. but there were still original time period works scattered in so you’d have a fucking schrodinger’s cat situation where everyone is both in 1800’s and the current day until someone whips out a cell phone
Hot take: any LGBTQ person reading Les Mis immediately understood the line ‘to Enjolras it were as though such a thing as women did not exist’ as ‘oh! He’s gay! Of course.’ But Those Hets ™ read it as ‘he just hasn’t found the right woman yet!’ And that is the absolute epitome of straight culture.
i love that les mis quote where grantaire’s like “who has been unhooking the stars without my permission” because 1. it’s poetic and pretty and 2. it implies that, were someone to defy all laws of the universe and unhook the stars, they would have to run that idea by this fuckin drunk-off-his-ass rando and make sure he gives them the thumbs-up on it
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