I built a nap hole in my closet which is great and has no downside until someone comes into my room looking for me and I have to crawl out of my closet which is frankly impossible to do with dignity and without looking like a sleepy Gollum hissing “what does it wants who wakes us up”
I see no downsides to this
I had a napping closet… I missed school once because Mom thought I had left on the early bus and I slept half the day. I remember walking blearily into the living room and she jumped “Where the hell did you come from!?”
“Animals don’t go to war because they’re cinnamon rolls unlike ebil humans uwu” Check-fucking-mate Linda, cephalopods are having trench warfare in the ocean.
They’re literally in the shell age
So…they’re shelling each other?
*takes a long drag on a shitty cigarette* war is shell
Why isn’t anyone even bothering to mention the countless wounded soldiers of this cephalopod war? Many come back missing tentacles and eyes! Some even return home with a bad case of…shellshock
so if there’s one single trope i’m always down to fight it’s the animal bride (folklore motif 402??) which a lot of you are probably familiar with as the selkie – the fisherman either falls in love, steals her skin to trap her on land/gain power over her, or they fall in love and THEN he steals her skin to keep her from leaving, and either way she spends a lot of time gazing sadly out to sea and then she or her child finds the skin and never returns again. and that’s awful on a whole lot of levels – it’s not love, it’s control.
BUT. but the thing is. you how selkies/seal women was a pretty common variation of this? another really popular one was swans.
i just want you to think about that for a moment. swans. like…I get it, they’re pretty, graceful birds, certainly it’s easy to imagine them magically becoming pretty graceful ladies? but have you ever fought a swan. swans are awful. swans are the devil’s geese. imagine seeing a pretty magic lady and being absolutely enchanted by her, and stealing her magic feather cloak, and then you go up and say ‘hey i’m in love with you, let me make you my queen, it will be great, we’ll be so happy’ and she just looks at you for a moment and…
you know i was going to say maybe she just shouts for her sisters and suddenly you’rerealizing you’ve made a terrible terrible mistake bc you’re surrounded by big fucking birds who are all hissing. but honestly if this swan lady is as aggressively down to brawl as any other generally unhappy swan, then she’d straight up fuck you up on her own. she’d just deck you roundhouse, honestly. you don’t fuck with swans. why does this trope exist
okay but consider this: a woman walks to the park every day and feeds the swans and watches them paddle gracefully around the lake, sighing to see how beautifully they swim.
finally one day, a swan comes up to her and says ‘why don’t you come and swim with us? you always sigh so wistfully to see us on the water, and you would be most welcome to join our company, for you have always been a true friend to our kind’
and the woman says, ‘i can’t swim’
and the swan says, ‘we’ll teach you’
and the woman says, ‘literally i can’t swim, my husband stole my sealskin and should i venture into deep water i would surely drown’
and the swan says ‘your husband fucking WHAT’
the next morning the woman’s front yard looks like this.
and neither the woman nor her husband are ever heard from again, though for very different reasons.
It may also interest someone to know that swans can projectile poop.
I know a real-world mama swan who got shot in the wing and walked four miles overland to get back to her babies and dad swan, with her broken wing bleeding and dragging the whole way. She just kept going. Don’t mess with lady swans.
Also? Swans don’t have a lot of obvious physical markings that divide the males from females. So some idiot might be like, “damn, that’s a sexy bird, I wanna marry her” and then like. It’s a dude swan. You just transformed thirty pounds of angry aggressive bird into 200+ pounds of angry aggressive adult man, who will totally kick your butt. (Also I’m pretty sure that if you turned a lady swan into a human, you would not get a willowy little 5′0″ girl. You’d probably have a 6-foot amazon with biceps the size of your head. Swans are heavy birds and it takes a LOT of muscle to get them into the air. They are among the baddest bitches in the bird kingdom)
And when a swan decides to beat you up, it is not with fancy martial arts. Swans are brawlers. They have bone clubs built into their wing joints specifically for beating people up. A human swan is gonna come at you screaming and spitting and just keep punching you in the face until you regret every decision you have made ever in your life and also some of the ones your parents made too.
The commentator narrating the pup’s moves with the ball is AMAZING and I’m crying
“(…) right, but he decides to kick the ball. He gets close, and who grabs it? The Friend(dog)! Yes! A pup got into the field. He’s tied to it. He puts it under his paws and shows what football was missing in the Gasometro (field’s name). The [team]’s men want to grab him, but they cant! The Friend has his eyes on the ball. He runs to find it again. Yes! He bites! He kneads! He wants it close! He gets lost, he’s so happy! Castro (player) wants to kick his Corner but he can’t. He tells the pup “enough, enough, go over there”… however *commentator laughs*, there’s the pup! When he puts it on the floor, [the dog] goes again for the ball. And of course, as any skilled man, wants it all for himself. A bit of an over-eater, this pup. And he clearly has shown conditions / talent. [The team] found the way to the goal thanks to the Pichicho’s (little dog) essential input…. who, of course, as any protagonist had his place at [the tv show].“
*camera switches to interview where dog barks and mounches on the reporter’s mic (who allows him do it)*
I’ve been watching Argentinean football all my life and I can confirm this is the best to ever happen on a match.
ok but why does captain america have a fitness challenge and why is it still being shown in schools. he took experimental super steroids and is currently an international fugitive
If we’re all being honest with ourselves, a public school having an outdated educational video featuring a celebrity with dubious legal standing is the most accurate thing in any of the Marvel movies.
“The first I heard about the plot was from Tom Holland, weirdly. I think I was shooting the sequel for Guardians of the Galaxy, maybe, and Tom was doing Spider-Man on the same lot. Tom, of course, knows (Fallen Kingdom director) J.A. Bayona because of the film The Impossible.
He said, Hey mate, I just talked to J.A., mate, he told me the whole plot of the story, and I was like, What?’ He said, Yeah, there’s like a volcano, and I said, You’re messing with me. He’s like, No, mate, he told me the whole thing. So he told me the whole story, so I heard it right from Tom Holland first. And then, when I read the script, I was like, he wasn’t messing with me. It was all real.”
This is why directors give Tom Holland fake scripts now .
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