At long last, The Chosen One has been discovered. Working as a cashier. With no interest in doing anything even slightly more difficult.
yeah because there is nothing more difficult than retail
tbh anyone who works/has worked retail would see the chance to go around saving the world in ways that could potentially kill them as a welcome vacation
“Does the position of Chosen One offer health benefits of any kind?”
“Well, our ragtag gang of world-saving underdogs has a doctor on-team.”
“Do I have to pay her out of pocket, is what I’m asking.”
“Gosh no! She’s an idealist, you don’t pay her at all!”
“Oh! That’s nice. But then I guess there’s no paycheck.”
“I mean, the secret cabal that dispenses our orders does make sure we have enough money to feed ourselves and keep a roof over our secret lair and such.”
“Hourly?”
“Hourly what?”
“Like have you guys ever had to punch a time clock?”
“We once had to dismantle a sinister time-freezing device in the shape of a clock….otherwise no.”
“Sold. Off we go.”
“do i have to be nice to people who are yelling at me?”
“we’re the good guys, you can’t kill random civilians just because they’re mean!”
“kill?? no, i mean, can i tell them off.”
“well, sure, of course.”
*rips name tag off shirt and tosses it over shoulder* “i’m your huckleberry.”
when i travel i like to take hilariously bad pictures of common tourist things, because anyone can take a nice picture of them, so i’d rather take a shitty one i can laugh at later
Man. I feel so thirsty lately. I can’t drink enough water. I feel like the senator guy in that X-Men movie after getting exposed to Magneto’s mutant machine, and he keeps drinking drinking drinking water uncontrollably until he dives into the ocean and becomes a terrifying jellyfish creature and explodes. Freaking Magneto. I was already sympathetic to the mutant cause. Why you gotta hate?
You’re not a mutant, honey, you’re a mermaid. It’s all right. Once your scales start coming in, you won’t be as thirsty.
You know, being a diagnostician in a world with more public magical creatures must be a trip and a half.
“Extreme thirst has a lot of causes. Let’s check your blood sugar, and let’s take a skin sample to see if you’re developing scales.”
“Joint pain is pretty common when someone’s pushing themself that way with training, and I’d definitely recommend some rest, but it sounds like it’s been coming on with the moon so we might want to do a blood test to check for lycanthropy.”
“I’m going to give you this journal. Keep track of how often you’re near bodies of water and copses of trees – not single trees, there needs to be a cluster.”
“Bear with me, I know you’re lactose intolerant, but buy a pint of milk and keep it in your kitchen. If it spoils faster than expected, we’ll have a better idea of what’s going on here.”
“Have you considered that you may not, in fact, actually be a mammal?”
“Okay, I’m going to have to refer you to a specialist. It looks like your tertiary dentition is coming in.”
“I think we need to check for allergic reactions to silver, iron, a few types of wood, garlic, and holy water. That’ll help us rule out some possible causes for this rash. In the mean time I think you should avoid Italian food and holy ground.”
“Have you noticed clusters of birds following you? Were they corvids? Hm, interesting. You ought to come in to the office so we can discuss this further.”
“That itching sensation might be a rash, but I think we ought to give you an MRI and see if you’re about to grow horns.”
So basically, medicine in the Dark Ages, upgraded.
This is literally my dream as a writer and my worst nightmare as a nurse
So I imagine a supernatural version of House where almost every episode someone is like “it’s lycanthropy” and the House character goes “it’s never lycanthropy” except for the one episode it is where the title of the episode is lycanthropy.
Yes, because when I wear professional attire and scrubs for a living, you’ll definitely be able to see my thigh tattoo. Having tattoos or piercings does not dictate your professionalism nor your intellect. Grow up.
nurse: “doctor we need to operate immediately or we’ll lose the patient”
me, a doctor: *already taking my scrubs off and changing into my Surgery Hot Pants™* “i know, i’m almost ready”
OR circulator: “alright doctor, we can proceed with this man’s life-saving surgery now that your thigh is fully visible and all tattoos in plain sight.”
Anesthesiologist: “this patient has no allergies to medications but does not want anyone cutting him nor injecting him if they have exercised very poor judgment and got a tattoo… you are cute, though.”
Me: *fists in the air, watching patient bleed out* “you win this time, death”
They find a book written in Latin… one guy doesn’t take Latin and doesn’t want to mess up the pronunciation. The girl is studying Mandarin. Another guy recommends sticking it into Google Translate but that’s likely to land them with gibberish. They leave it alone.
The car won’t start. They call an Uber.
The vampire captures the girl and insists that she wears the gown to dinner. The gown is actually hella cute. Only problem is it’s not in her size. Oh, it only comes in 2’s and 4’s? Sorry, vamp, you want me in that dress you contact the goddamn company and tell them to get their shit together.
“How did you possibly know that? It saved our lives!” “I’ve got two degrees and I spend way too much time on Wikipedia.”
They encounter a spirit that gains power the more people believe in it. One girl makes a vine and uploads with, “fakest ghost ever!!! Right??” Twenty minutes later the spirit is destroyed.
The circus is in town tonight. Except she’s lived her whole life here and the circus has never come before… it’s also in a pretty sketchy part of town, not somewhere you’d want to walk alone at night. She goes to a movie instead.
“You’d need an ARMY to fight this evil!” “Okay. I’ve got 20,000 followers, lets see how many can make it.”
The Evil Whispery Voice of Doom tells the jock that it’s going to kill his pretty blonde girlfriend. The jock gets offended because, excuse me, Cindy and I are just friends. However, Marty over there is my boyfriend and I’m not saying you should kill him, just stop making assumptions yeah?
“This spirit tried to convince me it was Jerry when it texted but its texting style is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT so yeah that didn’t work.”
We could have easily gotten lost and ended up at some creepy cabin in the woods, but luckily we all had functioning GPSs. Beach party, we’ve arrived!
“We have to find a way to destroy it! We—what are you doing?” “Looking up ‘exorcising demons’ on Google. Oh look, first hit.”
The child she bares will be the devil’s spawn. Good thing she doesn’t want kids. Or if she changes her mind she can always adopt.
“How can we possibly outwit this serial killer…” “… There’s gotta be an app for that. Lemme look.”
Only the virgin will survive… Turns out they’re all virgins. One is asexual. One wants to wait until marriage. Two just haven’t found the right person yet. One is meh about sex. So we all survive, yeah?
The girl does not fall. She was on varsity track.
“Quick! We need someplace to hide the artifact. And then decoys to confuse the beast! What have we got?” “… I’ve got a hundred plastic bags stuffed into another plastic bag.” “PERFECT.”
i would pay to read a book of a collection of modern horror stories
They’re trapped in a haunted cabin one of them inherited from a Weird UncleTM. Mysterious figures, things going flying, screams and drumbeats and chanting, blood pouring down the walls, the whole bit. They pull out the Ouija Board.
“BRO, WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?”
S…A…C…R…E…D…L…A…N…D
“Oh.”
“Oh geez. Oh no. This is Native American land. Oh goodness I am SO sorry.”
“Um so, like I inherited this property and a couple acres, can I like…donate it?”
W…H…A…T
“Yeah man like, what tribe are you? I don’t want to live here, this cabin is grody and Uncle Tim was a fuckin’ weirdo. It’s your guys’ land, just like, what tribe?”
C..H…U…M…A…S…H
“Cool. Uh, I guess we’ll…call them…in the morning?”
T…H…A…N…K…Y…O…U GOODBYE
“Oh. Well fuck, like, that was easy.”
I was all set to dislike this when I saw the title, thinking it was gonna be another bashing of my generation post… then boom! Talk about saving the day!
It has come to my attention that Aquaman (2018) is just a shameless ripoff of the Mattel classic, Barbie: A Mermaid Tale.
We have the child of a mermaid queen and a regular human guy
who was brought up in the human world as a free spirit,
who talks to sea creatures,
who is fated to take over the throne of an underwater kingdom (where all the buildings are round and mushroom-y)
which is currently being occupied by an evil, power-hungry relative
with an army of sharks
And their unique position, straddling the human world and the underwater world, is at first a burden but ends up being their greatest strength
… I’m just saying
So what you’re saying is, basically, Aquaman is a Barbie Princess. Fair enough.
I’m more interested in the fact that Barbie made an Aquaman story (Aquaman came first sorry) but didn’t call it “Barbie as Aquaman” because i watched all the “Barbie as” movies when I was younger and this would have been amazing
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