wish customer service jobs operated w video game standards, so a customer would come up to me and i’d say “greetings traveler! looking to trade?” and they’d only had 4 options for their response
i’d just stand there wiping down the same part of the counter for 8 hours until my shift ended and then id drop everything and walk away and if you tried to interact with me i’d just keep running into you silently until you moved
Look at this lad. Image: THX, Ltd.The Deep Note, the distinctive synthesized crescendo that is THX’s audio trademark, is one of the most iconic sounds in all of film. For the effects firm’s 35th anniversary, they’ve now shared the sheet music behind the sound.
thanks i hate it
how dare you i love it
I can hear this image and I’m crapping myself as is standard
Can you imagine a choir singing this and how chilling that would sound
But can you imagine how cool this would sound on an Orchestra of exclusively low strings and brass
You are the world’s most successful marriage counsellor. Each case ends with a 100% satisfactory rate for both sides. One day, a rather unusual couple enters your office. Through questioning you find out that the two people in front of you are in fact Zeus and Hera. And they won’t leave until you fix their mess.
“You two need a divorce.”
As usual, Zeus’ fury was a sight to behold. It took all her years of experience as a counselor, and willpower she didn’t realize she’d had, to keep her composure. The conditions of her services had been clear, they couldn’t harm her, but it was small comfort when Zeus is hurling lighting bolts around an indestructible room.
Hera, on the other hand, was also perfectly composed. Once Zeus’ rage had played out and he stood glaring at at the counselor from behind the couch, she spoke.
“We came to you to fix our marriage. To salvage it.” She explained. “A divorce…”
“I don’t fix marriages.” She countered. “Look closer at my testimonials. My help may have saved a few marriages, but what I do is help people fix toxic situations.”
“Olympus must have a king and queen!” Zeus insisted.
“And who made that rule?” She asked.
Zeus didn’t catch Hera’s faint smirk, but the counselor did. Of course she’d known what her would recommendation would be. She was here because Zeus needed to think it was his idea. He went quiet at the question, the almost shocked, dawning realization that he had control here.
“You did, naturally. You defeated the Titans, and claimed the right to rule. But Zeus, think on it, why did you do it? Who expected you to rule? Why did you need a queen and why did the queen need to be Hera? And if you’re really honest with yourself, do you even want to rule?”
She wondered if it was the first time Zeus had ever taken a moment for real introspection. Most likely it was. Hera was perfectly neutral in her expression, but the light in her eyes told the counselor more. The soft bell timer next to her chair went off.
“Well that’s all the time we have to today.” She said, closing her notebook. Zeus was still looking thoughtful. A stunned kind of thoughtful, but thoughtful nonetheless. “Talk to my secretary and he’ll schedule your next session.”
Zeus tried to argue, and Hera made a good show of it as well, but they had agreed to follow certain rules, and this was one of them. She did have other clients, after all. It had been Hera who agreed second, when Zeus had demanded she see reason.
And there were other sessions. Six months before they finally decided to divorce. The news shook the other pantheons. The news of Zeus’ abdication in favor of his brother Hades shook them more. Stable, serious Hades, and his wife Persephone. It was better for the pantheon, and with Persephone in the mix, it wouldn’t be boring.
Zeus took to adventuring. Diving happily into his new, and old, roles as a god of the sky, thunder, storms, and lusty parties. Astronauts who venerated Zeus were almost sure to come home safe, and come home to the wildest parties.
Hera, relieved of the almost obligatory jealousy Zeus had once elicited from her, became more focused than ever on her role. Suddenly there were breakthroughs in pre and post-natal medicine. Marriages became more stable than ever.
Stable marriages mean poor business for a marriage counselor. She was glad her services were less necessary, but if things kept up like this, she would need a new career. The knock on the door interrupted her thoughts and she answered it. Her secretary had left months ago, finally marrying his husband and moving to the country as they’d been dreaming of. She hand’t bothered to hire a replacement.
Opening the door revealed, to her great shock, Hera. She looked different. The stony neutral expression was gone. She seemed softer. She had laugh lines. She was dressed causally, when the counselor had only ever seen her in business formal, with a shawl patterned in peacock feathers.
She wanted to talk. Partly to thank her, and partly to apologize for essentially driving the counselor out of business. They talked of other things, mostly trivial, laughing at the latest antics of Zeus and his fellow thunder god, Thor. Most of the world never saw these things, but her encounter with the gods had left the counselor’s eyes more open than before.
“There is another reason I wanted to talk to you.” Hera said finally, setting her teacup down. “There are other gods in need of a good counselor. Not just marriages but relationships that need help. You’ve seen the good that you can do with just one pair of clients.”
The possibility excited her. She could help the world in ways undreamed of. “That sounds incredible!” She exclaimed. “But…how would it work? We can’t have the gods parading in and out of the building on a daily basis….”
Hera smiled and took the counselor’s hand, looking into her eyes in a way that made the counselor shiver and blush. “Why don’t we discuss it over dinner?”
i.e. why when you or someone else gets stabbed or impaled, you should leave the object in the wound until medical help arrives.
THIS. RIGHT HERE. This is an amazing example!!
If you take the thing out, they’re going to bleed a lot more.
SO. DONT.
News Flash from the Medical Help ™ — we don’t touch it either! Unless the object they’re impaled with is literally too big to fit in the ambulance, We. Don’t. Touch. The. Thing.
The only people qualified to Take-The-Thing-Out are surgeons. End of story.
Okay, but for the love of God, please, PLEASE, if you did, if you panicked and took the thing out…. DON’T…. PUT IT BACK IN.
Or else, congratulations, you just stabbed them AGAIN. I reeeeeally shouldn’t have to say this guys, but I do.
Smash or pass: the sexy tuna guy from the starkist cans
Fuck marry kill: green giant, sexy tuna, mr clean
You are NOT allowed to kill mr clean
This is obvious, kill the sexy tuna because that’s just weird, fuck Mr clean because he’s ripped and you know you won’t catch anything, now here you might think marry Mr clean because he’ll clean the house, but no, his cleanliness standards would be unbearable.
marry the green giant, making you basically a pagan god through marriage, and he can probably make vegetables grow using magic and as a vegan I need that, dick probably too big to do anything with but like, pagan marriages can be poly I think
I want you to know you are so powerful to be able to begin with “this is obvious”
i’m not saying this to be snobby bc i’m not expecting everyone to know their art history and i do this too, but i do think it’s genuinely funny that whenever people online see ugly old art they assume it’s medieval art, and whenever people see complicated realistic figures and scenes they assume it’s renaissance art, or less commonly baroque.
people thinking fernando botero’s cat paintings are medieval art is especially funny cause he’s literally still alive
this image (still life with green soup) was created in 1972 and people thought it was from ~400 AD to 1400 AD, like it has a modern doorknob and a modern kettle and everything
…..does this mean cat people hurl cats at the ground?
you just kind of… open ur arms and they sort themselves out. if you try and place them down they get mad and wiggle and make everything worse
some friends of mine have the most un-cat-ish cat i have ever met
my quintessential example of this:
i was holding him in my arms petting him while we were picking out what games to play that night. when we’d decided on a few, i needed to put the cat down in order to, you know, carry boxes. so i started letting him down, expecting that he’d eventually do the cat hop thing… but he never did.
i ended up lowering him all the way to the floor. and even then he never got his feet under him. i just sort of… plopped him down on his side as he stared up at me like a betrayed sack of flour.
I saw this so clearly in my mind and I’m never going to stop laughing at betrayed sack of flour.
He wasn’t done being held!!!
i have had multiple cats that enjoyed being bowled
yeah. drop cat? fine. toss cat? fine. bowl cat? also fine. as long as the cat is cool with you personally and familiar with the thing, none of these will hurt them or distress them. one of my cats would actively solicit bowling on a stretch of smooth floor.
and then there was maya, who enjoyed being launched across the room from the bed by foot catapult. cats are made of rubber basically.
contrast my mom’s dog george, who would get up on the couch, then cry to be helped down because he was scared to jump.
My cat used to use the sofa as a runway before launching himself across the living room to land on the bean bag. Then he would meow loudly until I fluffed the goddamn bean bag back up.
my cat has arthritis so i put him down gently. But every single time I have him in my arms and we get close to my bed he tries to Cat by leaping out of my fucking arms.
And since he really can’t get enough air i end up usually throwing him onto the bed. Once he tried while we were too far away and i basically threw him into the side of the bed where he bounced off.
fucking cats
I have done this out of horrible, horrible reflex to so many little yappy dogs.
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