Tag: funny

wednesdayinacafe:

”So I have these huge glasses that I wear that are the ugliest pair of glasses you’ll ever see in your life. But they were the ones in the glasses store that no one was going to buy. They were in the corner, they’re all dusty. I’m like, ‘no one is going to buy those, and they’re so ugly.’ So I had to buy them.” 

taylorswift + horrible eyesight

Things Overheard in Dorms

howtomusicmajor:

  • “That’s the fourth time this week you’ve brought up cannibalizing me. Should I be worried?”
  • “So needless to say, she peed on me.”
  • “Wow, this Heineken has such a smooth finish!”
  • “Do you think I can fit an entire orange in my mouth?”
  • “If I hear someone sing Hamilton in the show again I’m joining them in their shower so I can drown them.”
  • “Someone just gave me a free cake. Should I be worried?”
  • “How did they manage to get that in BOTH shower stalls!?”
  • “How much caffeine is poisonous? Asking for myself, I’m actually worried.”
  • faintly, as though yelled from in a room down the hall “Can you come hand me my Swiss rolls? My head spins if I sit up.”
  • “Well you see, Marxism is actually” *anguished yelling from multiple people*
  • “Why is Ross sitting in a box in the hallway with a sweatervest draped over his head?” “Stress.”
  • “What’s the difference between an undergraduate research assistant and a random nosy 19 year old? Less than you’d think!”
  • “Let Bob Ross caress your happy little struggles away.”
  • “He talks like he thinks the world is waiting with bated breath to hear what he thinks about Fight Club.”
  • *screaming in harmony with a vacuum*

sashayed:

absolutepie:

ediebrit:

this video saved my life

@sashayed Here, have some joy

Ryan Lochte: My philosophy is if you’re a man at night, you gotta be a man in the morning. So…

Sheinelle Jones: Ooh.

RL: …if I go out all night, and I go dancing and I’m drinking, you know what, I still have a job to do and I ha – still have a goal to do.

Mike Jerrick: [clears throat]

SJ: I like that. I – I have a feeling my cohost – that’s what you live by, right? [barely holding it together] If you’re a man at night, then you gotta be a man in the morning –

MJ: OK. Ryan, good luck to you. We’ll be watching.

RL: Uhh, thank you.

MJ & SJ: [slowly vibrating into silent hysteria]

MJ: [waves, like to a baby]

MJ & SJ: [shrieks of laughter]

SJ: [incomprehensible] ohmygod I can’tdoit I ca – ooo

MJ: Seriously, how are they going to get enough material … What was the question that stumped him?

SJ: You asked – what – what – what a w – what a woman can say …. what a woman can s – [loses it]

MJ: I guess silence, uh, im – impresses him.

SJ: You can’t – no, it’s just a woman couldn’t say anything. [sniffs] He is good-looking.

MJ: I need to eat some oatmeal on that.

SJ: [fully collapsing] We are so gonna get in trouble.

MJ: Wh…seriously, how are they gonna g – put together like 22, 13 weeks of programming? [cackling]

SJ: [weeping] He’s so cute.

MJ: Oh. He is cute.

SJ: Did you see the plaid?

MJ: Yeah.

SJ: And y – wh – you should loosen your tie like that, cause that’s – sexy. It really is. Whoo. What’d he say, “I’m a man at night –” What is it?

MJ: “You know I’m a man at night … and a man in the morning.”

SJ: ᴼʰ ᴳᵒᵈ ⁻⁻ ᴵ ᶜᵃ ⁻⁻

[cackling]

SJ: ᴵ ᶜᵃᶰ’ᵗ ᵈoit. My lash is gonna come off, sorry –

MJ: Look out, we got a – we got a lash. We got a lash off. [clears throat]

SJ: Oh my God.

MJ: Let me tell you about this, Sheinelle –

SJ: Ohh I’m snorting.