good morning I just woke up obsessed with the idea of a movie filmed in the style of a true crime documentary except it’s in the Twilight universe and a bunch of completely ordinary humans are trying to figure out why Bella effectively disappeared after high school without knowing anything about vampires
let’s review the Facts of the Case as far as anyone who’s not in on the secret knows them
super normal teenage girl moves to small town
becomes obsessed with a guy who by all appearances is in a cult
the incident where they dramatically broke up and Bella tried to go back to Phoenix but Edward followed her and they got back together but also Bella’s leg got mysteriously broken
another dramatic breakup and this time the entire family skips town leaving Bella catatonically depressed
sudden trip to Italy??? and then the entire family comes back???
Whatever Happened In Eclipse I Don’t Remember
Bella marries boyfriend of approx. a year and a half, goes away on an exotic vacation and immediately contracts a life threatening disease
is rarely seen in public again until her mysterious death, which if I’m remembering correctly is a thing?? because Bella was pretty sure her mom wouldn’t be able to handle the vampire thing and that they were going to have to fake a death which is!! fucked UP
also apparently the Cullens haven’t ever bothered with, like, changing their names, so if anyone goes poking around they’re easily going to discover a family of seven rich weirdos moving around various overcast cities together for at least a century
tell me you wouldn’t watch this shit
highlights:
generic Missing White Woman opening that rapidly spirals into interviews Bella’s hilarious tacky high school classmates talking shit about the Cullens (Mike Newton’s Time To Shine)
Charlie (who Knows) uncomfortably lying to the camera about how of course he’s Very Sad about all of this and misses his daughter a whole lot. the crew immediately begins speculating about Charlie’s involvement.
a few scenes shot in Italy. the voice over concludes that there are no clues to be found there while a Volturi member hovers very obviously in the background for the audience’s enjoyment
testimonies about Carlisle’s character that end with the interviewee getting distracted thinking how hot he was, including Charlie
a segment trying to figure out what the Fuck Jacob’s involvement is followed by a montage of werewolves slamming their front doors in the crew’s faces
a brief mention of the murder spree that happened in Seattle during Bella’s senior year but quickly shrugging it off as DEFINITELY unrelated to any of this
trying to dig into where the Cullens lived before Forks and quickly realizing that None Of These Children Existed Before the Age of Seventeen
briefly toying with a kidnapping scenario before stumbling onto a record of the Cullens in some other town that’s JUST old enough to be inconsistent with the ages they were supposed to be in Forks
“wait I think all the kids were actually in their twenties, maybe?”
Ok, ok. What I don’t get is why Venom has to be eating people, specifically? Like. There’s a lot of other animals out there, my dude, and even if you’re looking for something more often found in predators or what have you, you can eat predators. I mean, call me a crazy environmentalist but why isn’t Eddie Brock renting himself out for invasive species control!? Oh, the everglades are overrun with invasive pythons? Lol, not anymore. Eddie took a vacation and now Venom is fat&happy and they’ve been banging like bunnies between bouts of snake-hunting. Ain’t like Florida’s going to think it’s too weird that there’s a huge monsterman out slurping down snakes like they’re wiggly spaghetti. Let’s be honest here, Venom is already basically a ‘Florida Man’ headline. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
ok so, for people who have seen the LOTR films but not read the book I’d like to share some things that are 100% canon:
– Sam Gamgee uses the word ‘boner’. In a song. Several times.
– he also writes a poem that contains the phrase ‘golden showers’. (this is actually in the extended cut but they changed it to ‘silver showers’)
– at one point after he’s defeated Saruman steals Merry’s weed & runs away
– Denethor has actual mindreading powers
– so does Faramir (but he’s a nice person so they manifest more as heightened empathy)
– Gandalf ALSO has mindreading powers but for entirely different reasons. he reads Frodo’s mind while he’s sleeping at one point, casually reveals this to Frodo, and Frodo’s just like ‘huh neat’
– rather than bravely drawing the orcs away from Frodo like in the film, in the book Merry and Pippin just kind of, panic, bolt into the woods, and run directly into the orcs’ arms.
– Merry then draws his sword and hacks a bunch of orc hands off
– Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli name themselves ‘the three hunters’ before setting off to rescue Merry and Pippin because they are dorks
– they also improvise a whole song about how much they loved Boromir
– Aragorn does not initially tell the hobbits he’s a friend of Gandalf bcos he wanted them to like him for who he is. im not kidding. he openly admits to this.
– i feel like this is fairly well known but, if you didn’t know Frodo is 50 years old and looks 33
– hobbits PROBABLY age different to humans so looking 33 in practice means he looks about 21
– in accordance with the above Pippin is the equivalent of a 16-17 year old human
– Pippin can pass for a human child and looks like ‘a boy of nine summers’
– this isn’t that weird i just think it’s really cute: Pippin has 3 older sisters and their names are Pearl, Pimpernel and Pervinca.
– Sam & Rosie have 13 children. One of them is called Goldilocks.
– Frodo has another best friend. His name is Fatty. He stayed behind in the Shire to cover for Frodo’s absence and ends up getting jailed for months by Saruman’s forces.
– Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, who steals spoons, is also jailed by Saruman. (She whacked one of his goons with an umbrella.)
– Grima Wormtongue MAY have eaten an entire hobbit
– Saruman invades the Shire and turns it into a communist hell police state.
– the whole Tom Bombadil thing is common knowledge but if you haven’t read the book i guarantee you he is weirder than you think.
– to give just 2 examples: 1) the whole tom bombadil arc provides the explanation as to how Eowyn and Merry were able to dispatch the Witch King
– and 2) for unknown reasons sleeping in his house causes everyone to have horrible nightmares… EXCEPT for Sam who has a peaceful and dreamless night. no explanation offered for any of this.
considering that Pippin’s dad is named Paladin, you fucking know he claimed the right to name each and every one of his children and his poor wife just begged him to choose a different letter to start with
also aragorn openly admitting to being fucking lonely and just wanting friends is treated like a weirdly funny joke in the book by the way that some of the hobbits react to it, and frodo also proceeds very soon after to basically tell aragorn that he’s pretty foul-looking but seems a good guy
yes to the above & a small correction + one i forgot:
– Merry does in fact gift Saruman the weed. It’s the bag it’s in that Saruman steals and runs off with. (also give that Merry stole the weed from Saruman’s personal supply in the first place i can’t say i blame him)
– Aragorn literally has magical healing powers. i don’t think they ever explain this in the films but he does very much have healing powers.
– the Ents are able to tear down the entire wall around Isengard, but can for whatever reason not make a single dent in the tower of Orthanc itself
– several riders knew that Merry was there and coming with them to the fields of Pelennor even though he was forbidden to do so, and they just sort of shrug and don’t tell the king
– GOD Merry and the riders: they don’t just shrug they straight up act like he isn’t there. to the point where if he talks they just pretend like they don’t hear him. this hurts his feelings.
– Merry doesn’t recognise Eowyn until she reveals herself to the witch-king. it could be that her disguise is just that good but Eowyn herself seems to be kind of surprised that he doesn’t recognise her so it’s possible he’s just a dumbass.
– Pippin goes all in for a suicide mission at the Black Gate because he thinks that Frodo and Sam are captured and/or dead and everything is lost anyway, so he just decides that if he’s going to die, he’s going to die fighting, and then he almost gets squashed by a troll
– Gimli found Pippin underneath said troll after the battle, only because Pippin’s fucking foot was sticking out, and probably had a bit of a panicky moment while he was MOVING the troll to drag Pippin out of there
– i can’t believe i forgot about the troll: Pippin single-handedly slays a troll & then its body falls on him and he’s just lying there like ‘well i guess this is how i die’
– Gimli 100% thought pippin was dead when he found him and was so distraught he almost ripped his beard out
– There’s also Aragorn making the Mouth of Sauron flee with terror because he glared at him. Not a joke. (An argument can be made here for Aragorn having psychic powers)
Or intimidation proficiency
If I may add…
– Legolas falling out of a tree and screaming.
– Legolas dropping hie bow. And screaming.
– Legolas just screamed. A lot.
– Legolas singing a song that he only knew half of.
– “Do what you will in your madness but I wish to see no eyes!”
– Legolas straight up walking away after a battle and singing
– Legolas sneaking Gimli into Valinor like contraband Twizzlers into the movie theater.
– everybody rags on Frodo for being a dumbass at the Prancing Pony, but listen, Merry knew they were on a top secret mission carrying the Ring and that the forces of Sauron were actively searching for them and not far away and he still decided it would be a good idea to just go out for awalk, at night in a strange city, all by himself, just because he fucking felt like some fresh air
Ok TO BE FAIR to Merry, unlike the others he hadn’t actually SEEN the Nazgul at this point (just glimpsed one from the other side of the river) and as a result doesn’t understand just how much danger they’re in.
I found my copy of the books a few days ago… might be time for a reread…
don’t forget when saruman went evil and told gandalf he promoted himself from saruman the white to “saruman of many colours” gandalf was like “but i liked white better”,,,,,he legit said that that was his rebuttal
Ok but what about when legolas, gimli and Aragorn are tracking merry and pippin and legolas just watches as Aragorn rolls around in the fucking dirt and when he’s like “there are a lot of riders on horses coming this way!!” legolas is basically like, yea I know I’ve seen them for awhile there are 105 and their leader is tall LEGOLAS
– In the movies, Gandalf catches Sam eavesdropping and forces him to accompany Frodo, and Merry and Pippin are just kinda there–but in the book, it turns out Frodo is Very Bad at keeping secrets and is lucky the whole Shire doesn’t know about the Ring. All three not only know about the Ring almost as soon as Frodo does, but they organize an actual goddamn conspiracy to spy on Frodo for the purpose of making sure he doesn’t go gallivanting off on an adventure without them whilst preparing supplies for the selfsame adventure, which includes the before-mentioned Fatty Bolger staying behind partially to impersonate Frodo so people won’t know he’s gone for as long as possible
– This is the most forethought any of them show for the entire series. They are never so thoughtful ever again
– There are probably Entwives, or Ent women, living in the Shire. This is evidenced by Sam’s cousin seeing a walking tree, Treebeard commenting that the Entwives would like the Shire when Merry and Pippin describe it to him, and possibly an explanation for why the Shire is so agriculturally rich and bountiful (because Entwives invented agriculture), and why the Hobbits love trees so much
– Nobody knows if the Balrog in the Mines of Moria has wings or not because the text is ambiguous and this is a semi-thorny issue among LotR fans and scholars
– That pony that they send away just before the Mines of Moria? Bill the pony? Totally a recurring character that comes back for the finale
– It is literally never mentioned in the book itself, but the appendices reveal that Merry and Pippin are basically Shire Royalty. Pippin is next in line to be Thain (or Chieftain) of the Hobbits and Merry becomes the Master of Buckland (which is for all intents and purposes an independent Hobbit country bordering the Shire)
– Sam then gets elected Mayor of the Shire, so the three basically rule the Shire as a triumvirate for fifty years, and are officially acknowledged as such by Aragorn
– Except not really because as mentioned earlier Saruman tries to turn the Shire into communist hell, which annoys the Hobbits because they like to think of themselves as libertarians. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
– Also Aragorn declares the Shire off-limits to all humans forever. The law even applies to himself, so when he and Arwen visit they have to set up camp just outside the border with their attendants like fancy hobos
– Hobbits are vicious gossipers and there a popular theory among them that Frodo’s mom murdered his dad by pushing him out of a boat and he grabbed her and pulled her in after him so they both drowned
– There is at least one sentient or near-human intelligence fox living in the Shire. It happens upon Frodo, Sam, and Pippin and wonders why three hobbits are sleeping outdoors in the middle of nowhere, and Tolkien takes the time to point out that it never did find out what they were up to
– When Gandalf goes to Isengard, all the goblins and orcs and mineshafts and everything are already there, but he just kinda—-doesn’t notice them. Not until he’s locked up on top of Orthanc and they cut down all the trees which were apparently hiding everything
And that’s everything I remember off the top of my head, LOL
Concept: the Silmarillion, in the style of Lemony Snicket
“Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a workshop and you decide that the Silmarils would look better in your crown, and you simply grab the Silmarils and take them there. But if you were very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it would be excusable to grab the Silmarils, take them to your fortress, and eat them.”
“Finrod was an Arafinwean, a word which here means ‘lithe blonde twink who, for some reason, everybody in the entire world except for Celegorm seems to underestimate.’
Curufin was smitten, a word which here means ‘not Celegorm.’”
“Now, “in the dark” is a term meaning that one is not aware of something that is going on, and has very little to do with physical light, or the lack of such a thing. If it is a bright sunny day and you are sitting in a park and you have no idea that buried beneath your picnic spot is a treasure chest then you are in the dark not in the dark, and if it is the dead of night and you are traipsing through the woods and you are entirely aware that you are being followed by a troupe of ballerinas then you are not in the dark in the dark, and if you are sitting at your kitchen table working and you are so intent on your work that you do not even realize night has fallen then you are in the dark about being in the dark in the dark, until you look up and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark in the dark. And immediately after Melkor extinguished the Trees, all of Valinor found itself very comprehensively in the dark.“
“Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘attempting to make amends with his half-brother who has just threatened him with a sword.’
Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘willing to trust his half-brother to bring him across an ocean in the boats they have just stolen together.’
Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘about to cross an ice bridge, having previously turned back because such a thing was clearly impossible.’
Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘about to charge an evil god and stab him with a sword.’
Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘dead.’”
“If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats, or, in Finrod’s case, werewolves.”
Update: Sauron is not afraid of hobbits. He was unaware that hobbits existed up until very recently. he literally did not have time to be afraid of them, they went from a 0 to 100 threat level in twenty seconds. There he was, minding his own business worrying about the usual Elves and Men when suddenly these kids are on his lawn and now he’s dead, like just;
What did— who–
did I just get one-shotted by an infant how is this occurring
Honestly I have to love this whole thought process that the Fellowship must have cultivated in Sauron, like…
“These children have found the Ring! But they’re taking it to the elves, of course. I will simply have to catch them on the way.”
“Well, the elves are still not to be trifled with, it seems. It looks as though they have a group of intrepid heroes, how cute! Wait, who’s leading them? Aw, hell.”
“OKAY! Olorin’s out of the way, and now I can finally kill them all and reclaim the- OH DAMMIT, IT’S IN LOTHLORIEN.”
“Well, okay. They’ve taken it onward. Curunir says one of the halflings is still carrying the ring, so he’s going to capture them and we’ll see how this develops. Thankfully Olorin’s still out of the picture and their little group just shattered into pieces, so that’s one less thing to worry about.”
“Aaaaaand Curunir shat the bed. Excellent. Trees, who would have thought? Okay, so we’re back to plan A: conquer Gondor, because if the Ring’s going to be anywhere, it’ll be there.”
“Wait, who’s on the– Isildur’s WHAT? Ohhhh. Ohohoho. Oh now everything makes sense. Isildur’s Heir is back, and he’s here being all prideful again. That’s fine. Really. I’ll just crush him and his kingdom, and then nobody can stop me!”
“WHAT? FUCKING WHAT? THEY SENT HIM BACK? Ugh, alright, alright, I’m cool, I’m fine. He’s still got that stupid wizard costume on, and I’m still stronger than he ever was. It’s not like he can come toe to toe with me, even if he does have an army behind him. This’ll be fine.”
“They’re… actually marching on the Black Gate? Sweet lord, I didn’t think they’d actually do it! This is perfect, everyone’s right here! Olorin, the human princeling, most of the remaining fighting forces of Men, all I have to do is kill them now and– Wait. Someone just put on the Ring. Someone just– That’s a halfling. They’re inside the mouNTAIN OH GOD NAZGUL GO GO G–”
…aaaaaand curtain.
you can laugh but that is literally what happened
This is the single best brief summary I have ever seen of the entire point of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Okay, before you throw tomatoes at my blog (y’all know it’s all good), let me qualify a few things.
1. I hate love triangles. I read the Twilight novels, gagging the entire time because, dude, how is there even any competition? I’m gonna choose a warm, hairy, stinky dog man over a sparkling piece of vampiric rock any day of the week.
2. When I first saw the promotions for the movie, Catching Fire and saw how badly LG was playing up Gale and downplaying Everlark to create a triangle similar to Twilight’s, I was like, gag me now.
However, in the context of the novels (I’m not going into the movies because they are essentially another iteration of the same story and a somewhat incomplete one at best), I’m going to say that the supposed “love triangle” and the “choice” Katniss must make between Gale and Peeta is actually extremely important to the theme of the novel.
Not to repeat the plot, because we’ve been in this long enough to know the story backwards and forward, I just want to say that Collins sets up Gale and Peeta as two aspects of Katniss’ character, two sets of values that she contains within herself and, to the extent that she honors one side or the other will also determine the larger theme in the novel (nice that boys are used to drive a female protagonists character development and not the other way around for once).
Gale, as we know, comes to represent Katniss’ fire, the part of her that fuels her unbreakable will to survive. He is the anger at injustice, the yearning for vengeance and eventually, death. Initially, she sees Gale as an extension of everything that is home to her, that is integral to who she is as a person. Note the quote below:
“I have chosen Gale and the rebellion, and a future with Peeta is the Capitol’s design, not mine.” ― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire
Even in Catching Fire, Katniss is still struggling with where to put Peeta in her mind but it is not in the same place as Gale. She still sees Peeta as someone imposed on her by the Capital, despite her feelings for him. Gale always represented the home camp, what she was supposed to want, the person who best understood her, whereas throughout the first novel and part of Catching Fire, Katniss still sees Peeta as “other” to her and works to figure out whether she can trust him or not. She describes Gale as follows:
Until one time, I open my eyes and find someone that I cannot block out looking down at me. Someone who will not plead, or explain or think he can alter my design with entreaties, because he alone really knows how I operate.” ― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire
As the story develops, however, Katniss’s allegiance, loyalty and love for Peeta grows while her relationship with Gale begins to change. Gale becomes more and more polarized in favor of the rebellion while Katniss begins to have moral reservations for the lengths he is willing to go to see his beliefs and anger translated into actions. Here is where we see Peeta’s importance and the alternative he represents to Gale:
I wish Peeta was here— the old Peeta— because he would be able to articulate why it is so wrong to be exchanging fire when people, any people, are trying to claw their way out of the mountain.
― Suzanne Collins
, Mockingjay
The alternative that Peeta represents to Gale’s fire and willingness to go to any lengths to win the war for the Rebellion is humanity, mercy, compassion and justice free of ideology. Katniss invokes Peeta at that moment because she knows that he would argue against sealing the Nut and unnecessarily condemning soldiers to their death. It is not a coincidence that when the issue of The Nut comes up, the moral center of the novel, Peeta, is missing as it is often this type of morality that is notable absent when making decisions in war that involve winning by any means necessary.
The parallel between Katniss’ compassionate, nurturing side and Peeta’s is evident in Peeta holding the morphling in Catching Fire as she dies, which mirrors Katniss singing to Rue in The Hunger Games as she dies. Peeta represents the humane, good, generous, self-sacrificing side of Katniss’ personality, the one who looks at individual suffering and searches for a way to comfort in the midst of horrific circumstances, the one who takes the weak and offers the best protection they can offer.
Gale was everything familiar and known to Katniss. He shared in the particular injustices common to Seam folk which were more pronounced than those of the Merchant class and felt acutely the oppression of the Capitol, even witnessing the firebombing of District 12. Together they had managed to feed their families and represented sanity and survival for each other. However, when he had the opportunity to see his anger vindicated, he became the very destructive fire that Katniss learned would eventually destroy her.
On the other hand, Peeta is the baker, the expert in managing fire for the purposes of creating and sustaining. As many posts have pointed out, Peeta is simultaneously associated with hope, warmth, safety, steadiness and eventually, life and rebirth. He is the Merchant, the “other” and yet it is in him that Katniss finds life and healing after the destructive fires of the wars. He is hope and when hope is absent, death can only follow. Consider the parallel imagery at the beginning of the novel when Gale brings Katniss the arrow piercing a roll and the same Gale at the end of the novel bringing Katniss the last arrow of the war, the bread notably absent:
“I brought you this.” Gale holds up a sheath. When I take it, I notice it holds a single, ordinary arrow.
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
Soon after, with the same breadless arrow, Katniss assassinates Coin and, privy of all hope, attempts suicide. She is thwarted by Peeta himself, who will not let her die. Hope keeps her going even against the forces of death and destruction that would consume her.
Katniss, in a moment of self-reflection sees the paths that are opened to her, represented by her two love interests:
That what I need to survive is not Gale’s fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that.
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
Unlike other love triangles, whose only purpose is to serve up dramatic tension and is the focus of resolution for a story or series, the supposed “love triangle” in the Hunger Games is actually the symbolic center of one of the major themes of the novel: – what path does a human being take when confronted with forces and tragedies that are greater than what they can handle? Specifically, what side of her character will Katniss obey? I call it a “supposed” love triangle because Collins leaves clues throughout the narrative about what Katniss will choose. She will choose the one she cannot survive without. And she has shown time and again that she cannot live without hope. And so she chooses Peeta.
Because in the end, it’s not fire that keeps us alive. There is only one thing that is stronger than fear. And Katniss chooses to honor that in building her life with Peeta. It is one of the messages Collins wants us to leave with and the love triangle is the vehicle she uses to deliver that message.
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