honestly the funniest thing about the lord of the rings is how gandalf is literally a minor god sent to middle-earth by The Big Man Himself and yet literally nobody apart from the elves seems to recognise this or take him seriously
like yeah gandalf is pretty grumpy most of the time but how would YOU
feel if you were the fantasy equivalent of an angel and a bunch of
people who only come up to your knee were just like “oh fuck it’s that
spooky old wizard” every time you showed up for a friend’s birthday
party
alternatively, how would you feel if you were the fantasy equivalent of an angel and not long after you got to earth you discovered what weed was?
yknow the more jk rowlings world falls apart in america (race relations, international history, population, etc) the more i like to think that america just straight up doesnt have the statute of secrecy. european countries are falling over themselves hiding magic but come to georgia and theres a drunk redneck wizard wingardium leviosa-ing the shit out of a tractor to the delight of his drunk redneck muggle buddies in a walmart parking lot.
wizard on muggle violence is prevented by virtue of there being like a 50/50 chance that muggle is packing heat. muggle on wizard violence is prevented by knowing that wizard can give you boils spelling LIL BITCH on your forehead if you try to start something.
america is the weird redheaded stepchild of the magic world.
im not gonna stop reblogging this until this is the next Hot Fanon
english muggles come back to england and suspicious wizards meet them at the airport.
‘did you witness any strange or inexplicable acts while you were in america?’ they demand.
the english muggles just laugh in their dumb fucking faces. mate, it’s america.
what’s the difference between a werewolf and an animagus?
english wizard: *two hour lecture on legal history*
american wizard: six beers
@jumpingjacktrash congrats ive read hundreds of comments on this dumpster fire of a headcanon and yours is the best
thank you my patronus is a monster truck
I have reblogged this I don’t even fucking know how many times but I still completely lose it every time I see the words “My Patronus is a monster truck” because that is the most AMERICAN thing I’ve ever seen in 29 years of being ‘merican.
the thing about lotr that the movies don’t convey so fully is how the story is set in an age heavily overshadowed by all the ages before. they’re constantly traveling through ruins, discussing the glory of days gone by, the empires of men are much diminished, the elves (especially galadriel) are described as seeming incongruent, frozen in time….some of the imagery is even near-apocalyptic, like the ruins of moria and of course the landscape surrounding mordor
this is a strange thought to me, somehow: that the archetypal “high fantasy” story is set at the point where the…fantasy…used to be much higher? this is not the golden age; this is a remnant
LotR is Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome of the elves.
i want to emphasize that people have added excerpts of their theses in reply to this post but this is still my favorite reblog
Thor took groot as an elective which means growing up he was the rare combination of nerd and jock and idk why people are surprised i mean the boy talks astrophysics wirh bruce 7 phd’s banner like its nothing and when he drops down to earth which clique does he immediately join? Not shield!! Not the avengers!! Some podunk star scientists out in the middle of nowhere on an extended camping trip like!! Whilst loki was painting his nails to match his cufflinks, thor was studying foreign languages as he benchpressed heimdall. Thor isnt your garden variety jock he’s a bookworm jock, easily found stargazing or doodling in his moleskin journal
Loki: Why you would want to talk to sentient trees? Thor: Why wouldn’t you? They are sentient trees!!
like, heimdall saw that shit right? odin comes back through the bifrost and heimdall is just “…………….”
heimdall: that’s a baby
odin: yes! he’s my son! ………..loki. i’m going to dress him in green and black, because that worked great last time
or odin comes back and is trying to figure out, how to play it, and heimdall and frigga are just waiting for him and completely deadpan
frigga: ah, husband! you have returned from war in time to meet your newborn son. who i had. after being pregnant. secretly.
odin: what
frigga:
heimdall:
loki: *baby noises*
odin: right
honestly, i just need heimdall going up to frigga like “you won’t believe what your husband just did”
odin: he’s a replacement for the child I had to lock away in the shadow realm.
heimdall:
odin: I’ll do better by this one. I know I will.
heimdall:
heimdall: You mean Frigga will.
Odin: Please can we keep it? It’s cute and changes colours and smiles at my empty eye socket. I promise I’ll take care of it I’ll feed it every week and I’ll dress it in green and black and I’ll teach it to throw knives and it will be great!
Heimdall: Frigga, he stole a baby. Say something.
THIS IS THE BEST THING
I like to imagine Frigga visiting Heimdall and they have tea and gossip about how much a mess Odin is.
Hiemdall: *plopping into Friggas parlour and already reaching for the cup Frigga is passing him* Lemme tell you what wild shit your sons are doing in Alfhiem
Hiemdall rollerblading into the throne room this week with sunglasses and a piña coloda: Your Majesty, you’re not going to fucking believe this stuff your son brought back from Midgard.
Frigga, iceskating down the bifrost with three bottles of tequila wearing a mini cape from a midgardian children’s dracula costume: Heimdall, my good bitch, I have news.
You, a fool: Thor and Loki’s parents, Odin and Frigga
Me, an intellectual: Frigga and Heimdall raised those boys to be better than this my good bitch
bruce wayne maintains a presence on all conspiracy theory boards with the screen name BruceWayneIsTheBatman and all his posts have titles like “BRUCE WAINE IS BAT-MAN INDISPUTABLE PROOF” and it’s just a picture of Bruce Wayne from the back next to a picture of Batman from behind and they both have the contours of their butt drawn on in a shitty MSPaint red line (note: Bruce is in a suit and Batman has a cape, neither of their butts are clearly discernible) and the quote “THE BUTTS MATCH!!! THE FACTS DON’T LIE!!!!!” and he makes at least three of these posts a day, and “Bruce Wayne is the Batman” becomes a meme a la “Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer” and he gets asked about it on a talk show and he laughs uproariously at the idea and Stephen Colbert just HAPPENS to have a batman mask under the desk and they do a bit together where Bruce Wayne puts on the mask and walks around saying things like “excuse me, bank robbers, can I perhaps offer you some money to stop you robbing this bank?” and “I say, cease and desist your criminal behavior or I’ll have my butler ask you to leave” and the audience is LOSING THEIR MINDS laughing at the idea of this pampered rich guy taking on the Joker on a bi-weekly basis and then anyone who suggests “Bruce Wayne is Batman” in earnest gets met with mocking “oh man do the butts match” comments
The banter between Barnes and Barton in Tales of Suspense is fucking flawless.
A limited run is not enough!!!
I can’t fucking get enough of these two.
OH MY GOD
WHAT
WHO
HOW
I WAS NOT INFORMED?!???!?
One of my favorites! It makes me happy to see this sampled and shared, may it be savored and loved by all who come upon it.
I really tried hard to post enough to give people a taste without spoiling the actual story. I can hardly wait for the conclusion!!!! The suspense is killing me.
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