Also, to any men reading my posts who are horrified and want to know how they can help—offer to go with your female friends and relatives to appointments. Explain to them you’ve been reading about medical neglect towards women and let them know that if they ever want emotional support, you are there for them.
No, really, you have no idea how differently doctors react when there is a man in the room. Some female doctors will give ETD the side-eye and try to find ways to ask if I am okay (which, bless them) but once they are made aware that he is there at my request for emotional support, they are perfectly happy to have him there, and don’t talk to him unless I need them to.
Male doctors? Whole other ball game. They spot him sitting there and their whole demeanor shifts, and if they do talk over me to him, he quickly sets them right and doesn’t engage in their misogynistic comments, he just stares them down and steps in if he thinks I am being gaslighted, words and phrases like “is this the usual treatment for symptoms like this?” forces the doctor to explain usually what they’d do for him, at which point I am able to ask “so why am I not being sent for XYZ testing/why am I not being prescribed pain treatment?”
But also remember, you are there to be my ally, not to tell the doctor what you think is wrong with me, but to make them pay attention to me. Direct the conversation back to me, and if it’s not working, repeat exactly what I am saying and make them listen.
It’s entirely fucked up, but your mere presence could mean the difference between misdiagnosis and proper medical treatment.
And just because I am seeing it in the tags “#this shit doesn’t happen with female doctors” oh it absolutely fucking does.
Misogyny in the medical world is fucking ingrained. It’s in the very teachings of modern medicine.
Some of my worst gynecological experiences were at the hands of other women who thought I was bullshitting my pain levels when it comes to certain procedures and illnesses.
I’ve been told to “stop making a fuss” while I have screamed on the table from a speculum insertion (by the way, HUGE warning sign there is something majorly wrong with your muscle walls, pain upon insertion is not “normal” do not accept it if they tell you agony is normal upon insertion of anything) for a “routine” exam. And to give you some idea of my pain tolerance levels, I’ve had two root canals without anesthesia (cause
anesthesia doesn’t work for me) and I breathed deeply through them. I left nail marks in the chair and had to tap out a few times for a rest, but I’ve never screamed and shot out the chair like I was being murdered.
I’ve had female doctors tisk at my medical file and tell me I want to “get myself together”, like I’m having an autoimmune collapse for funsies. I’ve had female doctors tell me I “just need to have a baby” because that will “calm me down” and also “what does your husband thing of all this?”
Which speaking of, I’ve also had female doctors turn to my husband and say “wow you sure are good to be coping well with this” like eXCUSE YOU, HE’S NOT THE ONE WHOSE BODY IS EATING ITSELF ALIVE???!! BUT OKAY, SURE, I’M THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO “BE MORE POSITIVE AND TAKE A TYLENOL”. OKAY THEN.
(also as an aside: if they do ask your male friend/loved one to leave the room to ensure your safety and you aren’t being controlled, remember to ask for him to be brought back in. Sometimes they “forget” and you’re left on your own again)And all of this? All those things I posted up there? Those apply to white women as well.
Women of color and women with disabilities, are more likely to be neglected and gaslighted than cis white able bodied women are—and we (I use the term losely when it comes to able bodied re: myself, heh) already get the short end of the stick when it comes to appropriate medical care. Be aware of your fellow women (all your sisters, not just your cisters) and if you are in a position to offer help and go to appointments and sit in on exams, know that it would be greatly appreciated.
And again, remember, it is not your place to talk over your friend, this is not about you or what you think is wrong.
This is about you using your privilege by your mere presence alone, to make sure your friend is going to get adequate medical care, whether it’s pain management or diagnosis.
Be a witness and hold those in the medical industry accountable for their neglect and actions against the vulnerable. Because by gods no one else will.
@thebibliosphere, are you aware most doctors won’t allow someone else in the exam room? Sometimes even spouses? Even if the patient specifically and verbally allows it? At least, that’s how it works where I live, in the south-east USA.
Besides that, though, good advice.
Oh they can tell you they’re not Allowed but they’ve no legal leg to stand on. If you want someone in there with you, you are absolutely legally allowed to do so. If you explain why you want your spouse in the room with you (you don’t need to say “I don’t trust you” just “I want someone else here to remember things/I get nervous”) and they downright refuse to let your partner in with you? That’s a huge red flag to me.
The only doctors who downright refused to let ETD in the room with me were the ones who ended up being dangerous and abusive in their behavior and I stopped the exams to demand someone else be allowed in the room with me as is my legal right. They might not be behind the curtain with me but they are absolutely allowed to be in the room by US law, regardless of state.
I have chronic (but random onset and duration) rib pain – feels like I’m being stabbed and can vary from ‘accidentally poked myself with a knife’ to by far the worst pain I’ve experienced and I’m no stranger to pain.
After the initial hospital trip that confirmed I wasn’t having a cardiac arrest, I had to be super forceful to get tested for things rather than being told it’s just anxiety.
It definitely is because I was born female – I’ve seen doctors do a complete 180 in their treatment of me if I passed at first glance and then they examined my ribs (pre top surgery). Then all of a sudden it’s anxiety or “you know depression often exaggerates pain”. Asshat, I’m far more trained in psychology and especially depression than you are. Even if it’s ‘exaggerated’, I’m still in agonizing pain! Also it has no strong correlation with anxiety and feels different. Anxiety for me is slight crushing not agonizing stabbing pain.
Now, after ECGs, chest x-rays, an ultrasound, and a CT scan, I still don’t know the cause other than it is definitely not cardiac or pulmonary and my heart is surprisingly great. I got a diagnosis of chostichrondritus (sp?) and told to take ibuprofen and suck it up. I pointed out to my doctor that that condition is associated with an injury and is not something that lasts years. Still don’t know what it is and therefore no treatment. I refuse to take painkillers constantly because that way lies addiction.
Getting referrals for those tests was difficult and took place over many years (I started working to find a cause in 2009 after I collapsed in class in college and the professor forced me to go to the hospital. I had had the pains for a while before then.)
Having a cis man with me who cares about me made the difference many times between being called a hypochondriac and actual fucking consideration.
Another issue is that having anxiety on your medical chart is basically a get out of doing my job card for doctors.
Doctors listen to your patients! If a woman or other female person is in pain, LISTEN TO THEM! That’s how so many afab people die. Refusing to listen, refusing to use female research participants, refusing to consider afab people as HUMAN BEINGS.
@moonbard I’ve got a diagnosis of acute recurring costochondritis. It’s basically a symptom of my other issues, but I’ve found regular deep tissue massage and lymphatic drainage helps to control and somewhat limit my pain. At least enough that it doesn’t feel like my breastbone is about to snap and stab me in the lungs. Regular massage and even physio doesn’t help, but for whatever reason deep tissue and Id does. As does ultrasound therapy but that’s way more expensive.
I’ll also be seeing a specific type of chiropractor next month who specializes in chronic pain and organ adjustment for this problem, so if it helps I can let you know?
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