Hello! I really wanted to thank you on talking about your asexuality and how you “found out” later in life. It took me a really long time to come around to it myself (I’m in my mid 20s now) and honestly the worst part is that I have lost friends because they were in willing to accept Asexuality as a real thing. If it’s not too probing a question, did you get any negative reactions from friends/family coming out as ace? If so how did you deal with it?

elisaintime:

I’m so sorry you’ve lost friends! I honestly haven’t “come out” anywhere other than in my internet life. My family has never been one to discuss our personal/romantic/sexual lives with each other, so it’s not something that would ever even come up in that arena for me. If they googled me, I’m sure they would find out, and I’m fine with that, but I have the feeling most of them assume I’m just an ally, rather than actually part of the queer community. 

The thing about asexuality, you see, is it’s hard to define yourself by something you’re NOT. It feels different on tumblr and twitter, because these forms of social media have a language and understanding that make it easy to express oneself that doesn’t exactly translate to “the real world.” 

For me, because of the fact that I ended up in a monogamous hetero relationship, I think most people assume I’m just straight (even though I’ve been in serious relationships with women in the past). I wouldn’t ever say “I’m fine with that” and if it ever came up, I’d be sure to set the record straight (haha pun). But it’s not something I’ve gone around preemptively “well, actually”ing. More power to you, though, if you’re being that vocal in your own life. It sounds like it comes with a cost for you, but your bravery is admirable!

I think my main concern with uninvitedly broadcasting my asexuality is that I worry people who aren’t regularly part of discussions of sexuality (which tumblr is) will take it as some kind of sex shaming. And I would never want to make anyone feel bad for their own sexualities, especially if it’s something that they’ve had a difficult time embracing. Sex positivity is such a tenuous thing in so many circles, that I worry about damaging that, and I want to be extra careful. 

It’s a sad thing that your friends weren’t able to support you, but I also wonder what their own damage is? Did they somehow take your asexuality personally because they were in unhealthy emotional situations? Like assume you were judging them for being sexual people because they were ashamed of their own sexual natures because society will do that to a person? Obviously this is not your fault in any way whatsoever. I hope working toward a sex-positive culture will benefit everyone, especially asexuals in situations like this!