urulokid:

i-am-not-your-baby-unicorn:

saltwaterandink:

leviswaxedass:

dahniwitchoflight:

leviswaxedass:

disneydamselestelle:

scottylubemeup:

THIS WAS A CHILDRENS MOVIE

A CHILDRENS BIBLE MOVIE

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Amen

FUN FACT: in hebrew, “feet” is a euphemism for genitals.

so if you ever see “washing feet” in the bible, it, uh. yeah.

(source is my old bible class textbook which i don’t have on me anymore 😦 )

HOLY SHIT WHAT

I MEAN CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I REMEMBER READING A STORY IN THE BIBLE WHERE JESUS CLEANED THE ‘FEET’ OF A LADY PROSTITUTE INFRONT OF HIS TWELVE DISCIPLES WHO GOT SERIOUSLY GROSSED OUT. THEM GETTING REALLY SUPER GROSSED OUT BY THAT NEVER MADE SENSE TO ME UNTIL NOW.

JESUS CHRIST JESUS.

YOU NASTY.

#WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN JESUS IS THE ONE WHO NEEDS JESUS

THAT HASHTAG I”m—-—

Plot Twist: The Bible is full of blowjobs

and they say homosexuality is sin.

Time for Bible Lessons With An Ex-Fundie Because All Of This is Wrong!!

The feet-washing custom was exactly what it sounded like. You come into a house in the Roman era Middle East after walking around in your sandals and shit and your host offers to wash your feet with a bowl and a towel and some perfume if we’re REAL fancy. It was a hospitality custom.

And the story isn’t about Jesus washing the feet of a prostitute, the prostitute in the story washed Jesus’s feet while he was a guest in someone’s house. She heard he was there, got super fucking emotional (the Bible says she was repenting of her sins but I like to think that she was a super huge fan) busted in the door with a vial of incredibly expensive perfume, and cried over his feet to wash them and dumped perfume over them AND DRIED THEM WITH HER HAIR, which was over-doing it to the max but hey, I won’t judge a Middle Eastern hooker’s foot fetish if she doesn’t judge me

So the guy who was hosting Jesus (Simon, a Pharisee) was sitting there like “what the fuck” and thinking to himself “if Jesus had ANY idea who this bitch is he’d drag her crusty ass” and then Jesus, using his telepathy Jesus powers, goes

YO I HEARD THAT, SIMON

YOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE WHEN I CAME INTO YOUR HOUSE YOU DIDN’T OFFER ME SHIT

NOT EVEN A MOIST TOWELETTE FOR MY FEET

AND THIS WOMAN IS A LOVELY LADY AND SHE HAS DONE BETTER BY ME THAN YOU HAVE SO SIT THE FUCK DOWN

and also that hooker wound up being the sister of Lazarus

you know, that guy Jesus raised from the dead

moral of the story: if you wash a homeless middle eastern guy’s feet with your hair and drench them in Dolce and Gabbana he’ll return the favor and resurrect your brother