Best of Hillary at the Al Smith dinner

teenagedream:

• “I took a break from my rigorous nap schedule to be here. And as you’ve already heard, it’s a treat for all of you too, because usually, I charge a lot for speeches like this.”
• “Getting through these three debates with Donald has to count as a miracle, so I guess I’m up against the highest, hardest, stained glass ceiling.”
• “I just wanna put you all in a basket of adorables.”
• “You look so good in your tuxes, or as I refer to them, ‘formal pantsuits.’”
• “Donald, if at any time you don’t like what I’m saying, feel free to stand up and shout ‘WRONG’ while I’m talking.”
• “It’s amazing I’m up here after Donald. I didn’t think he’d be okay with a peaceful transition of power.”
• “Donald, after listening to your speech, I will also enjoy listening to Mike Pence deny that you ever gave it.”
• “Remember, if you don’t like how it turned out, it must be rigged.”
• “People look at the Statue of Liberty and see a proud symbol […] Donald looks at the Statue of Liberty and sees a 4, maybe a 5 if she loses the torch and tablet and changes her hair.”
• “I understand I am not known for my sense of humor. That’s why it did take a village to write these jokes.”
• “I’m not boring at all. In fact, I’m the life of every party I attend, and I’ve been to three.”
• “When the parties get out of hand, as occasionally they do, it’s important to have a responsible chaperone who can get everyone home safely, and that is why I picked Tim Kaine to be my vice president.”
• “You notice there is no teleprompter here tonight, which is probably smart because maybe you saw Donald dismantle his prompter the other day. And I get that. They’re hard to keep up with, and I’m sure it’s even harder when you’re translating from the original Russian.”
• “Donald wanted me drug-tested before last night’s debate, and look, I gotta tell you, I am so flattered that Donald thought I used some sort of performance enhancer. Now actually, I did. It’s called preparation.”
• “I’ve had to listen to Donald for three full debates, and he says I don’t have any stamina. That is four and a half hours. I have now stood next to Donald longer than any of his campaign managers.”
• “Whoever wins this election, the outcome will be historic. We will either have the first female president or the first president who started a Twitter war with Cher.”
• “If Donald does win, it’ll be awkward at the annual President’s Day photo, when all the former presidents gather at the White House. And not just with Bill – how is Barack gonna get past the Muslim ban?”
• “Donald has issues. Serious issues. Really, really serious issues.”
• “[Donald] actually sent me a car to bring me here tonight. Actually, it was a hearse.”
• “Donald really is as healthy as a horse, you know, the one Vladimir Putin rides around on.”
• “I will be the healthiest and youngest woman ever to serve as president.”
• “I’ve tried to inspire young people […] and [Donald] is doing the same. A third-grade teacher told me that one of her students refused to turn in his homework because it was under audit.”
• “Here’s another similarity. The Republican National Committee isn’t spending a dime to help either one of us.”
• “Let’s embrace the spirit of the evening, let’s come together, remember what unites us, and just rip on Ted Cruz.”
• “I hope you enjoyed my remarks tonight. I said ‘no’ to some jokes that I thought were over the line, but I suppose you can judge for yourself on Wikileaks in the next few days.”